| When life becomes one crisis after another, when | | | | “walk in the park” and having good support |
| emotional pain and endless drama become “the | | | | is crucial. |
| norm” what am I supposed to do? Over the | | | | So, how does one begin to do this? My first |
| past few decades I’ve received this question a | | | | suggestion is to get a pen and paper and write out a |
| lot. Recently it has become the #1 question. Why is | | | | plan (there is much more about this in my “Ten |
| that? What do I suggest to families who have | | | | Toughest Questions” DVD and the link provided |
| arrived at this place? How about this: My suggestion | | | | at the end of this article**). |
| is to do NOTHING! Stop “doing.” Quit | | | | Everyone’s situation will be unique, and obviously |
| “doing.” No longer “DO” anything. | | | | I can’t tackle each one here. Having said that, I |
| Let’s talk about letting go and what that looks | | | | suggest, at a minimum, that you jot down some |
| like (sometimes referred to as detachment). So | | | | bullet points you want to cover when you share your |
| there—I’ve said it; The “D” word, | | | | concerns with your loved-one. Even writing out what |
| The Ultimatum, The Nuclear Option. | | | | you want to say, word for word, is perfectly fine. |
| When to use it | | | | Anticipate what the person will say or object to |
| Let’s start with “when to use it.” | | | | beforehand. Keep in mind that detachment is rarely |
| Detachment is usually the last resort—although it | | | | forever. In fact, when you confront the person you |
| doesn’t have to be. This is most effective in the | | | | have decided to detach from, put a time-frame on it |
| life of an “adult” loved-one who has | | | | (let them know how long it’ll be till you are willing |
| demonstrated that they no longer have any ability to | | | | to regain communication). Once you have reached |
| control or stop substance use on their own. | | | | this point, you need to remember that it’s too |
| This person has a boatload of extremely negative | | | | late for another broken promise or a few days of |
| consequences piling up all around them, but they | | | | abstinence to mean anything. |
| continue to drink and/or drug. Often this pattern has | | | | So, here we go. You’ve prepared—both |
| gone on for years and gets progressively worse. | | | | mentally, and you have a plan on paper–and you |
| Perhaps there were a few “okay” periods of | | | | are ready to have a firm, but loving discussion with |
| time, but they didn’t last. | | | | this person. A time to confront/talk with the person |
| Sooner or later everyone sits down to a banquet of | | | | has been set and agreed to. You’ve asked this |
| consequences. ~Robert Louis Stevenson | | | | person to let you share your concerns and you |
| This person may or may not have a job | | | | simply read what you want to say or speak to them |
| (approximately 77% of all substance dependent men | | | | based on your written bullet points. |
| and women get up and go to work most days). | | | | My suggestion is to determine a minimum period of |
| They may function well enough on the job to be able | | | | total abstinence you are requiring from your addict or |
| to keep it. Many will even point to this fact as proof | | | | alcoholic—before you are willing talk to or see |
| that they are not addicted. In reality most perform | | | | them again (thirty or sixty days should be the |
| poorly on the job, miss work, and generally have a | | | | minimum). Begin by emphasizing to them that you |
| negative attitude about almost everything. This in | | | | love them very much and that it breaks your heart |
| turn, leads to “pour me another drink.” | | | | to see them continue with their substance abuse. Let |
| Others move from job to job and eventually become | | | | them know that you (and all family members |
| unemployable. Some will tend to isolate and spend | | | | involved) have made this decision. You can list |
| most or all of their time with their first love, AOD | | | | possible living options for them on their copy of your |
| (alcohol and other drugs). | | | | letter. Tell he or she–they must decide which |
| Family life, parenting, being the father, mother, | | | | relationship is the most important—the one they |
| spouse or sibling they once were is no longer a | | | | currently have with their alcohol or drug use, or their |
| priority. In fact, it’s probably not on the radar | | | | own family. You must make it crystal clear that they |
| screen at all. Borrowing money, promising to quit, | | | | have to choose–because they can’t have |
| burning bridges, causing heartache to anyone who | | | | both. |
| comes close to them is the “new norm.” | | | | There is so much more I could write on this |
| When small children become part of this picture it | | | | topic—especially when I think of all the different |
| gets more ugly. This is not sad; this is pathetic. If not | | | | scenarios possible. Please do your homework before |
| now—when? When do the family members say, | | | | attempting this, seek wise counsel*, read all you can |
| “We’ve had enough?” | | | | and get a second opinion. |
| This, dear reader, is the time to detach. This is the | | | | When it’s all “said and done” this tough |
| time to “do nothing.” | | | | love approach often works when nothing else will. |
| I also like to remind people of “The Three | | | | Addiction, left alone will only get worse over time. |
| C’s of Al-Anon” which are: “you | | | | What I remind people about in my book and in |
| didn’t cause it, you can’t cure it, and you | | | | counseling is that “recovery is a process—not |
| can’t control it.” What you can do is help the | | | | en event.” |
| person to “want to” quit. If the “want | | | | This is why I sometimes suggest that you “do |
| to” is there, anyone can have recovery. | | | | nothing.” The phrase “let go and let God” |
| What does detachment look like? How do I do it? | | | | applies to the family members and friends–as well |
| Before I explain how it works, I need to add one | | | | as the person seeking recovery. Detachment is one |
| caveat. I was recently in San Antonio conducting a | | | | of the most difficult things that a person (especially a |
| workshop for The Palmer Drug Abuse Program | | | | mom) may ever need to do. |
| (PDAP). The Program Director of this wonderful | | | | Stay strong, seek support and know with confidence |
| facility, a woman named Trish, reminded me of | | | | that no matter what happens—you have |
| something important I sometimes tend to overlook. | | | | “done” everything you know to do. |
| She said the family needs to be totally prepared for | | | | * Have you "tried everything?" To learn about |
| this step (intellectually and emotionally) and that for | | | | individual counseling with Joe Herzanek (in person or |
| this to be effective, all family members need to be | | | | by phone) call 303.775.6493. Why Don't They Just |
| “on board.” Having emotional support and | | | | Quit? What families and friends need to know about |
| guidance regarding the necessity for such action, | | | | addiction and recovery. The 10 Toughest Questions. |
| what to expect and being prepared is critical to the | | | | Addiction and alcoholism advice for Al-Anon, alanon, |
| success of this step. This is not going to be a | | | | family members of an addict or alcoholic. |