| One of the most frequent questions by family | | | | In working the first three steps we know that we |
| members of alcoholics/addicts is "What's the | | | | do not have power over other people. When we are |
| difference between boundaries, bottom lines, and | | | | trying to change someone else, through threats, we |
| threats?" Before these significant others get very far | | | | are not taking responsibility for self. We are investing |
| into recovery, they hear these terms and are | | | | our efforts in a place where we will have little power |
| confused. Clearing up the confusion with definitions | | | | over the outcomes. Self is the one place that we do |
| makes a good beginning, but application gives these | | | | have some power. We do have power over our own |
| concepts the most meaning. | | | | behavior, attitudes, decisions, happiness. |
| A bottom line is tangible definition of what you will or | | | | The communication of bottom lines and threats feel |
| will not tolerate in your life. A threat is a declaration | | | | different. In communicating a threat we probably |
| of expectations and consequences if that | | | | have an underlying feeling of uneasiness and fear |
| expectation is not met. The major difference | | | | about what our next step might be when they don't |
| between bottom lines and threats is motivation. | | | | do what we are asking. A bottom line feels solid as |
| One's motivation in communicating a bottom line is to | | | | you decide what you are willing to have in your life |
| take responsibility for self. When you develop | | | | and what you aren't willing to have. You know that |
| awareness of your bottom line, you know, without | | | | you mean it. Its immutable. A threat feels uneasy and |
| doubt, what you are willing to have in your life and | | | | scary. Any resolve to stick to a threat eventually |
| what you aren't willing to tolerate in your life. When | | | | yields to opposition. Threats maintain the status quo. |
| you take responsibility for your own growth and | | | | Bottom lines effect change. The difference is in the |
| development, recovery, welfare and happiness, you | | | | motivation. |
| guard it zealously. To do that, you set and maintain | | | | Maintaining bottom lines is facilitated by setting |
| limits as to how much we allow others to contribute | | | | boundaries. Generally speaking, boundaries are |
| those things that impede that growth, recovery, and | | | | borders that delineate, separate, and defend us from |
| welfare. So, in communicating a bottom line, we are | | | | the world. Setting protective limits might could include |
| motivated to take care of our own lives, taking full | | | | denying others the permission to use us, abuse us, |
| responsibility for our choices, our happiness or | | | | take from us, or take us for granted. Boundaries are |
| unhappiness. | | | | a demarcation of personal territory. They define |
| You may use the exact same words to | | | | where we begin and end. They define areas of |
| communicate a bottom line as you would to make a | | | | responsibility and power. They define our rights and |
| threat. Nevertheless, they are not the same. Threats | | | | limits in relationships, as citizens, and as human beings. |
| are motivated by the desire to change someone else. | | | | These limits are communicated with assertiveness, |
| When we make a threat, we are doing so in an | | | | with self-confidence, and with self-responsibility. They |
| attempt to get them to change. We may be | | | | define a healthy detachment from that which we are |
| convinced that whatever it is that we are trying to | | | | not responsible, and promote self-efficacy. |
| get them to do is best for them and for us. We may | | | | Identification of your bottom lines in relationships and |
| believe that our intentions are about trying to look | | | | maintaining them through communication of |
| out for their welfare. But in this process we are | | | | boundaries promotes recovery, self-esteem, and |
| trying to take responsibility for someone else---their | | | | empowerment. Threats reinforce denial, maintain |
| life, their decisions, their recovery or disease, their | | | | dysfunctional games, increase anxiety, and reduce |
| happiness or misery. | | | | self-esteem. |